Day 1 – Beginning
I don’t know what to write. It feels so silly. Mr. Gees, I mean Master, told me that I have to write in this journal for one hour every day. What an I going to write about for an hour? I don’t think I know that many words.
He said to write what every came into my head. I don’t feel anything coming in. He said to write about my day, my dreams, or my past. My day is pretty boring, I just clean up the tower and cook meals. I’m not sure what my dreams are. Maybe that an hour will have past and I can go to bed. And I don’t really have much past, Im only eleven years old.
One thing did happen today. Master’s old student came by. Her name is Annay and she is very beautiful. Master had me make tea for them and bring some biscuits, too. When Master told her that my name is Brian, she told me, “Brian is a good name; it means noble, strong, and virtuous. Are you named after your father?”
I didn’t answer her and I fought to not cry. I don’t think she noticed – she started talking with Master again. I haven’t felt like crying for a long time. I miss you dad.
I should have told her I was named for where I was born. I wonder if she knows that Brian also means hill. I was born as my mom and dad were traveling between White Water and Maple Grove. My my mom told me that I was two weeks early and that I just wanted to see the great plains from the top of the hills before we headed up into the mountains.
Mom says that I wouldn’t stop crying until my dad held me up and showed me the orange clouds over the green plains as the sun set. She says that I watched the sky darken and the stars come out, and was as happy as could be. So she named me Brian.
My dad’s name was Islwyn which means “Below the Grove.” Mom said that he got that name because it was his father’s name, and his father got it because his family lived in a little house down by the river below Maple Grove.
It’s funny, in kind of a sad way, that that’s where my dad died. He was fishing in the river, down below town. He had just hooked a large fish and was trying to get it to shore when he slipped and hit his head. His friends tried to help him, but the water carried him away so fast. When they finally got to him and pulled him out it was too late. I remember that brought us the fish he had caught that day, and some extras because he had never caught that many before in one day.
Why am I writing this? Do I want to remember these things? I don’t think I wanted to remember, because I don’t like crying, but maybe this is a way to remember without crying. It feels good to write about my dad, even if it makes me a little sad.
What else should I write about? I’ve got another fifteen minutes. Who am I? My name is Brian, which I already wrote about. I’m eleven years old. My mom arranged for me to work and learn from Mr. Gees for the next ten years. Now I get to call him Master. I’ve been here ten days.
The bed is nice and I get to eat at every meal. The tower is still cold, but not as cold as my old room. I sweep the floors, which is easer because they’re made of stone instead of dirt, cook the meals, wash the dishes and clothes. Starting today I’ll be writing in this journal for an hour every night.
I wonder what life will be like for the next ten years. What skill is Master going to teach me, besides how to write in a journal? I wish I could be a wizard like him, but I don’t think I have the gift. Maybe he’ll teach me how to make pots or bind books.
I’m getting tired and It’s almost been an hour. Does time go slower or faster if you keep looking at the clock? The first half an hour seemed to go fast, but then the minutes have been dragging. Maybe if I stop looking, it will be over. Maybe I’ll just stop five minutes early. No one will know but me, but then maybe it’s important since it is me – to know that I can stick to it and finish it even when no one else will know.
I wonder if that is part of the lesson that I’m supposed to be learning. How to be accountable to myself. Maybe not, maybe the lesson is just to learn how to write.
Well I’ll see what tomorrow brings. I wonder if it will be easer or harder to write for an hour. I’m guessing harder since I said so much today.
One more minute. Just long enough to close and look forward to tomorrow. More dishes and cooking and sweeping, but I do get to go to the market. That might be fun.
Good night journal.
Good night mom
Good night dad.
Brian, I started reading your journal entry, and will finish in a day or so when I have more time to think. I can relate to this. My counselor has been encouraging me to journal for years, but I have not. Not because I can’t think of what to say, but because I can’t decide on the correct/ relevant/ most important thing to say. When I tried to journal in the past, too many thoughts kept coming, one after the other, and I got frustrated because I couldn’t write them all, and I couldn’t decide which thoughts to write. I felt like I was losing some part of myself if I couldn’t write it all down.
I took an online class called Get Assertive! One of the lessons encourages the student to keep an assertiveness journal, to use to help uncover the thoughts which keeps one from being assertive, and to replace them with positive assertive affirmations. I think I can do this– a journal that has a specific purpose, like homework, rather than stream of consciousness.
I have always thought it would help me to journal, but it is too frustrating. As you are beginning to journal, if you discover any insights and perspectives about how to go about it, I would be interested in reading about your thoughts about that.
Also, what is it like to live with Master Gees, and how did you become his Houseboy? Are Houseboys common in Maple Grove? Is it the same as an apprentice?
Shan,
Thanks for leaving a comment. Let me answer some of your questions. I’m going to start at the bottom and work my way up since I think that will be easer. Is it bad to do the easy things first? Well any way.
My mother’s arrangement with Master Gees has two parts. In exchange for giving me a place to live and food to eat, I get to keep his tower clean – that’s the houseboy part. The second part is that he will also train me in some skills so that when I’m grown up I will be able to get a job and live on my own. I guess that is sort of like an apprentice, but I’m not an apprentice like he is teaching me his craft – he’s a wizard and I don’t think I have the gift.
How don’t know how many people have houseboys and housegirls. I know there are some. Most of them are orphans. I’m not; I still have a dad. But my mom couldn’t afford to feed me and my two younger sisters. Most people who have people come and clean there houses just have people who come in for a few hours. It takes a big commitment to have a houseboys, since Master has to feed me and give me a bed and such.
Master Gees is great to work for. He is strict, but he never yells or threatens me. I don’t know if that’s true for all masters. He said that he’s teaching me how to be in charge of my own life. One thing that has taken some getting use to is the stairs. I had never lived in a place with stairs, but it seems this tower is nothing but stairs – there must be a thousand of them.
Well I guess that’s all of the easy questions, so now for the hards ones. I’m still getting use to writing journals, too. It was a lot easer when Master gave me a word to write about. I start by writing what the word means, and then what the word means to me. I wrote one day on Duty. Why don’t you try writing about duty. Find a nice quite place and then think about the word. After some thoughts start forming your your mind, start writing. THe key is to just write. Master said to not go back and correct things. If you come up with a different thought, just write the new one, too.
When your all done, just let it sit. I think that means to not touch it and let it sit in the back of your mind. The next day, if you want you can read it and make corrections if you want. When you’re done you can show it to me if you want, or you can show me part of it. With a journal the thing to remember is that you’re writing for yourself. Write like no one else will ever see it. Later is you do want to share it, you can leave out the parts you don’t want to share.
About your frustration; as silly as it sounds I think what your supposed to do is write about being frustrated when you get frustrated. With a journal, write what your feeling at the moment. It’s not about getting everything you’ve done in a day written down. It’s about getting your feelings out – getting your thoughts out.
I hope this has helped, I’ll write more as I learn.
Brian
DUTY March 17, 2010
Journaling about the word “Duty” in response to Brian’s suggestion.
This is a word that I generally dismiss as negative, as in “to do something out of duty ” rather than a heartfelt believe that it is a good thing to do. Usually because other’s expect it from me. I had a big wedding out of duty to my dad. Same with going to college. For most of my life my reasons for going to church was out of “duty” of the Christian faith: “Forsake not the fellowship of the saints.”
These things have been good for me, but I didn’t know at the time they would benefit my life as much as they did, and that’s not why I did them. I did them to avoid a feeling of disapproval.
There are other things I do out of “duty” that are not good for my life, and do not truly benefit anyone. Oddly, “worry” and “stress” seem like a duty. If I punish myself myself that way it seems like balancing out the fact that I’m not succeeding. A “duty” to keep the waters smooth & not rock the boat with my family of origin keeps me from feeling like a bad daughter/ bad sister… but it does no earthly good.
The word obligation might be a substitute for the way I have defined “duty” for myself. However that would make the word “obligation” bad, and I’m not sure it is if I think about it.
If the word “duty” were seen in a positive light, I could use the word “responsibility”, and maybe would be related to my “mission”. That would be a topic for another journal entry.
Interesting. I had not thought of duty in that way. Maybe that’s what the guards mean when they say they are on duty at two in the morning and then they complain. It is some that someone else is expecting of them that they really don’t want to do.
I guess I want to keep more positive. Master says life has enough problems of its own without us making it worse by complaining about it.
Hi, Brian.
I always found dirt floors easier to sweep than stone floors. I wonder if the dirt where I live is different?
To a young child, “play” is anything they want to do and “work” is anything they don’t want to do. I think the word “duty” is similar. It is not fair to that word, but people tend to call things they like about their life “responsibilities” or “lifestyle” and things they do begrudgingly “duties”. It is one of those words that reveals more about the speaker than it’s intended meaning.